This settles it. I’m moving to Louisiana and running for State Office. It looks like more fun than stand-up comedy. The way she was building him up I expected an IRAQ war hero missing half his face.

In case you missed the lyrics…

She fine than a bitch, ass and her tits
Thick in the hips every nig want her
Call her Halle Berry, Halle Berry…

STORM SURGIN' UP YO BITCH AZZ!!!

Thanks to my buddy Slade Ham for the vid, check out his myspace blog for a detailed play-by-play.

best/worst wrestlemania ever

I grew up loving the HULKSTER as much as the next guy…I thought. Then I saw how much the Ultimate Warrior “loved” him and I really had to question my fanhood.

I need a bath to wash the filth away from having seen that. Still though, I must say that it is FAR LESS gross than Hulk Hogan’s current dating situation…his new girlfriend is one year older than his daughter Brooke and LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE HER!!!!

BARF!!

Only Merchant Marines and SWAT teams go in more disgusting and dangerous places than a pro wrestling legend’s penis does.

I watched enough ESPN, NFL Network and Fox Sports Net today to consider myself an expert in the world of athletic competition, let me peel my fat-ass out of the me-shaped dent in the couch and take you on a short tour of all things SPORT…

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After retiring from coaching, Tony Dungy to walk the Earth like Caine from Kung-Fu.

The first and only African American coach to win a Super Bowl has walked away from the game after 31 years of coaching. He says he’s leaving the Colts to spend more time with his family and to focus on his ministry outreach working with high-risk young men.

That sounds nice and all, but I think we all know the reason he’s leaving…

Peyton Manning is a total asshole.

Yeah, I said it.

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While you sleep, Rickey Henderson grows stronger.

Rickey Henderson, allegedly the inspiration behind the Curious Case of Benjamin Button, was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame damn near unanimously last week. But that’s not enough for Rickey, he’s trying to become the first Hall of Famer to play after being inducted in the Hall.

I think he can do it too, Rickey Henderson is a freak of nature who eats bases and shits RBI’s.

Rickey Henderson should become the next BADASS internet sensation like Chuck Norris…except his shit is fo’ real.

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Mark Cuban gets tough, getting ready for white collar prison

Facing some complicated insider trading charges which might include some mild-prison time (think Martha Stewart, not Michael Vick), Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is trying to beef up his street cred by storming the court and chasing down a ref after a questionable game-changing foul call last night in Denver.

Nice move Mark…all your pointing and yelling really looked tough, none of those soft-ass Bernie Madoff types are gonna fuck with you now! You can walk down the fairway at Club Fed knowing that you are the baddest sumbitch in Cellblock E

He’s gonna get fined, which is nice because the league needs the money.

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God, please let the Hornets be a COLLEGE team…

…or at least let these two be seniors. If not, I’ll soon be blogging from jail.

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BREAKING NEWS: A Boner will now get you DQ’ed in a MMA fight.

It was bound to happen.

In a surprise announcement, Dana White instituted the NO CHUB RULE in any and all MMA fights.

When asked why this was necessary, he just pointed at this picture.

Unfortunately, you can never UNSEE that.

(Please don’t sue me Dana White, its just a joke…and I say this because you probably Google yourself a few times a day.)

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Go hit the showers my friends, I’ll have more soon enough.

Hi guys, John Wessling here…long-time listener, long-time caller. The reason I’m writing you this letter is because I’ve been a fan for my whole life and I’m getting a little bored with your playlists. Seriously, you guys are phoning it in. Don’t get defensive, we can all tell that you haven’t done anything new – or anything at all really – since about 1994.

Now I can already hear what you are saying…”It’s classic rock, there isn’t supposed to be anything new.” That’s not what I mean and you know it, you guys have been playing the same three songs from every artist over and over and I can’t stand it anymore!! Diversify your playlists, dig just a little bit deeper in the library, play something I haven’t heard in years.

For example, did you guys know that The Cars released more than two songs? IN FACT, they released more than two whole ALBUMS.

Crazy huh? You wouldn’t know that if you listened to your average classic rock radio station, all you’ll hear there is “You Might Think” and “Drive”

…every once in a blue moon, they might give you “My Best Friend’s Girl” but usually it’s too “country trending” for them. Barf.

Now most of these stations have one or two shifts, or special shows a week where they might get a little experimental in the the deep dark of night, Jim Ladd in LA at KLOS is a great example…but that’s not enough in my opinion. I want to hear deep cuts and way out tracks at all hours of the day. I want to wake up on a Tuesday and hear Frank Zappa…

and Iggy Pop on my way to work.

I want to hear some Yardbirds playing Live during my lunch hour

…there are people out there who think Eric Clapton is just a soft rock guitarist thanks to Tears in Heaven, lets hear some of the grittier stuff from when he was on heroin.

On the way home, perhaps some Allman Brothers

or some ZZ Topp from the early 70′s,

or why not some G-D Parliament?!

And while I love them dearly, maybe Metallica should be a little less MANDATORY.

My point is, just because your music comes from the past doesn’t mean there isn’t anything new out there to play. If you don’t broaden your horizons and throw in more of the Album-Oriented cuts and some more obscure bands, you run the risk of becoming just another oldies station with long hair and good weed.

I still love you guys, I just think its time to evolve.

Sincerely,

John “Knight in White Satin” Wessling

Nevermind the fact that Blagojevich sounds like a Bond villain’s name…or Dracula’s mother’s maiden name…just look at him! He’s only one degree less menacing than Dustin Hoffman in Hook.

Have you heard the recordings they made of this guy? I can’t believe the BALLS on this dude!! It also seems like its just a matter of time before the prosecutors indict his wife…who makes Lady Macbeth look like a soccer mom.

Ugh. This is why I nominate for Governor of the Great State of Illinois…BENDER the ROBOT from Futurama

BENDER…Why the F not?

When did the Republicans take over Amsterdam?

Dutch conservatives are cracking down on marijuana cafes and red light district hooker windows in Amsterdam, because of “crime and safety” concerns.

Dammit! When will this gentrification end? Let’s make a deal, we won’t put a strip club in the Epcot center if you don’t mess with the weed and hookers of Amsterdam!

If Republicans keep “cleaning up” all the fun sinful places that make life worth living, where are the OTHER Republicans going to run away to for all the filthy shit they can’t do at home?
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Ignoring the obvious Destiny’s Child murder/suicide/suicide scenario, pop-diva (barf) Beyonce’ says her greatest fear is childbirth. I don’t blame her, look at the size of Jay-Z’s head in his baby picture!

Even a C-section would hurt her vagina!
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GOOD NEWS: Obama plans largest public works program in 100 years.

BAD NEWS: All you out of work trust fund managers and laid-off web designers are now highway construction workers.

Here are some Twitter feeds from the future…

“Just ate at a Taco Truck! Gonna have Diarrhea fo’ sho’!”

“Learned that the Spanish word for blister is NOT ‘BLISTER-O’”

“OMG! dropped my iPhone in wet cement! All my calls are now fwd’ed to the I-35 bridge.”

“Saw my first racist tattoo today. Made my weiner shrivel.”
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While the rest of the country faces a new depression, North Dakota has a budget surplus and jobs to spare.

…showing that Americans would rather be jobless, homeless and destitute than live in the God-forsaken shithole that is North Dakota.
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Oprah wants to have a one-on-one interview with Britney Spears…of course my penis said the same thing yesterday but got way less press…Britney and Oprah together on one stage? Lets hope this happens.

Actually, Oprah wants to interview Britney in private -Barbara Walters style- instead of in front of her studio audience.

That way there will be less a chance of a rabid soccer mom shouting out something crazy like…“Hey you fucking pill-popping retard! Quit smoking around your kids and feeding them Mountain Dew!”

Besides, if Britney jumped up and down on the couch like Tom Cruise who knows what’ll fly out of there?!?!

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Occupations that will NEVER be featured in a reality show.

1. Systems Analyst – Seriously, what does that even mean? 3 out of 5 system analysts don’t even know.

2. Roofer – There’s a reason why juvenile delinquents choose prison over a career in roofing…it sucks.

3. IKEA cashier -”After the break, will Ellen get the price right on the SKOLVOLDTSTADT or will she need to call her manager Todd?”

4. Cable Guy/Direct TV installer – The only excitement is the occasional thud of a high school dropout falling off a ladder in your yard.

5. Blogger – It is as lame as it sounds.
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Many of these hard-working citizens are the last ones who deserved to get screwed over like this, and that has caused more than a few amongst us to lose faith in karmic justice.

When will the assholes who caused this mess and the rest of the otherwise worthless in our society finally suffer for what they have done to us all? I don’t mean death squads dragging these douches through the streets, but I would like to see corporate downsizing principles applied to those who truly have it coming.

Its time for the REAL fat to be trimmed in our society!

So step in my office and watch as I lay the hammer of the working man on the…

TOP TEN PEOPLE WHO DESERVE TO BE LAID-OFF.

10. ALL TELEMARKETERS

Sorry guys, nobody is going to buy shit for a long while. Unless its a $99 sex robot, go ahead and take everybody off your list.

9. NFL REFEREES

You guys have screwed up more calls this year than ever before, and the mega pooch-screwing you did at the end of the Steelers-Chargers game cost gamblers in Vegas millions of dollars. Refs could easily be replaced by a handful of video technicians watching the replays in a van…or in INDIA for that matter!

Plus ya’ll are looking really old and we fear for your hips or watching you explode like a pinata when Ray Lewis catches you clean in the defensive backfield.

8. 75% of ALL CABLE NEWS HOSTS AND ANALYSTS

I’m stoked about Obama winning but you fuckers drug out the campaign for two long-ass years! Now that its over, I’d like you phonies to start covering ACTUAL news and not the political coozery that is the election season. In case you guys missed it there have been major earthquakes and fires around the world…oh yeah, and RUSSIA’S military is on the march again!

So from now on all I want to see on my cable news is To Catch a Predator and BREAKING NEWS!! And I mean REAL BREAKING NEWS, not a fucking rumor about speculation about a phone call bullshit!

7. HEIDI & SPENCER

Everytime I see a picture of these two I want to punch my daughter in the face just in case she thinks about growing up to be one of these turds.

The only thing I want to see of Heidi and Spencer is the inevitable porno they’ll release/have stolen…and as soon as I’m done masturbating, I’d like a Marine Sniper to make their heads disappear with one bullet.

Don’t get me wrong, I like her big googly fake titties as much as the next guy, I just think we could replace them with some cheaper, unknown talent that doesn’t make me want to puke…maybe a brunette.

6. 2 OF THE 3 IRON CHEFS

I mean the American version, not the original (and ONLY LEGITIMATE) Japanese version.

Its time for “Blue Corn” Bobby Flay and the bald ass fry cook contest winner idiot to hit the fucking road! And take that frosted fucktard Guy Fieri with you!!

5. THE NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE

The NASCAR of the NORTH. Lets give the teams back to Canada, nobody here gives a shit…except for Detroit and they’ve got a lot of other shit on their minds right now!

The whole league is Russian anyway and if I wanted to give a Russian my money, I’d buy a watch in Hollywood.

4. HUMMER SALESMEN

Go back to college Todd, there ain’t nothing right about Hummers anymore. And stop smoking cigars, you look like an idiot.

3. PEREZ HILTON

It was cute when you were a pimply fat queen typing away in a coffee shop…but now they’ve made you a celebrity too and it’s only a short matter of time before you do something stupid on YouTube. That’s how they get you bud, they lure you into their red-carpet, VIP room world and then someone just like you were 5 years ago tears you down to shreds.

2. JIM ROME

Until you and Jay Mohr get gay-married, you’re just not relevant anymore.

1. DICK CHENEY

I know you have 60-something days until you get replaced by Joe Biden, but I’d like you to go ahead and pack up and go. You’ve fucked the world up enough and we’d like you to go back to the undisclosed location from whence you came.

Don’t fret Dick, I hear Halliburton is hiring…as long as you don’t mind relocating to Dubai.

HORRIBLE MENTION:

All PAPPARAZZI
the human equivalent of the little fish that swims under the Great White Shark’s butthole

JOE THE PLUMBER
take this opportunity to become an ACTUAL licensed plumber

JEFF PROBST
seriously, how have you kept that SURVIVOR job for so long?

Hugh Hefner’s Girlfriends
he beat me to it, cutting his sexual workforce down to a pair of 19 year old twins

TYRA BANKS & Mr. and Ms. JAY
we could easily replace that ANTM time slot with an extra replay of Sportscenter or a Wildest Police Chase show.

I’ve done talk-radio before, it’s a weird feeling to be in a windowless room hearing your own voice crackle in your headphones and saying whatever crazy shit you can come up with just to get idiots to call in and complain…or worse agree with you.

It’s awesome and fun but can be addictive and intoxicating – turning you into Gollum, mad with the power of a fully blinking phone bank, willing to blow a trucker just to be a guest on the O’Reilly Factor.

After a while you don’t even know what you really think and believe anymore.

In that spirit, I’ve compiled a short list of wacko shit for you to say if and when* you have your own talk-radio show.

“Santa Claus is a fascist pinko, created by the Chinese during WW2.”

“Middle children should be beaten with garden hoses, it’s the only way they learn.”

“If you MUST be a cannibal, please eat a Mexican.”

“People who hate guns should be raped with a gun.”

“Jesus could definitely dunk a basketball if he wanted to.”

“I am for Gay Marriage JUST to see Gay DIVORCE.”

“George W. Bush is and will always be the greatest President EVER!”

“We need to stop the War in Iraq…so we can go beat the shit out of Australia!”

“You know what pisses me off? Puppies. Fucking Puppies!”

I hope it helps you get calls and publicity, let me know if there is anything else I can do for you.

*studies show that by 2011, all Americans will have had their own AM talk show. It’s a fact.^

^not a fact.

You should hear Bocephus’ rewrite of “A Country Boy Can Survive” for John McCain’s time as a POW in Vietnam…he uses no less than 5 racial epithets.

I LOVE seeing Hank Williams Jr. campaigning for the McCain / Palin Magical Mystery Tour. I do get the feeling that Todd and Sarah are singing the real lyrics under their breath.

There’s virtually no chance in HELL of them winning the White House so might as well have a hard-drinkin’, pill poppin’, dope smokin’ good time at the rally!

Back in the good ole days when I was touring the dive bars of the South telling jokes for a living, I stayed at a country music themed motel.

I was put up in the Hank Williams Sr. room. It had tiny twin beds and was non-smoking.

I called the front desk and said, “There must have been a mistake with my reservation, I requested the Hank Williams Jr. room…you see, all my rowdy friends are comin’ over tonight…”

My new room was for chain smokers and had a big ass king sized bed with a fuck-hump in the middle.

Choke the Bowl for AMERICA!!

Plus think of all that extra business for the logging industry from the soggy Charmin.

If you are enviromentally conscious, flush a couple of cotton socks – always does the trick.