the squeaky pickle gets the cheese

Emphasis on Comedy


When did the Republicans take over Amsterdam?


Dutch conservatives are cracking down on marijuana cafes and red light district hooker windows in Amsterdam, because of “crime and safety” concerns.

Dammit! When will this gentrification end? Let’s make a deal, we won’t put a strip club in the Epcot center if you don’t mess with the weed and hookers of Amsterdam!

If Republicans keep “cleaning up” all the fun sinful places that make life worth living, where are the OTHER Republicans going to run away to for all the filthy shit they can’t do at home?

Ignoring the obvious Destiny’s Child murder/suicide/suicide scenario, pop-diva (barf) Beyonce’ says her greatest fear is childbirth. I don’t blame her, look at the size of Jay-Z’s head in his baby picture!


Even a C-section would hurt her vagina!

GOOD NEWS: Obama plans largest public works program in 100 years.

BAD NEWS: All you out of work trust fund managers and laid-off web designers are now highway construction workers.


Here are some Twitter feeds from the future…

“Just ate at a Taco Truck! Gonna have Diarrhea fo’ sho’!”

“Learned that the Spanish word for blister is NOT ‘BLISTER-O'”

“OMG! dropped my iPhone in wet cement! All my calls are now fwd’ed to the I-35 bridge.”

“Saw my first racist tattoo today. Made my weiner shrivel.”

While the rest of the country faces a new depression, North Dakota has a budget surplus and jobs to spare.

…showing that Americans would rather be jobless, homeless and destitute than live in the God-forsaken shithole that is North Dakota.

Oprah wants to have a one-on-one interview with Britney Spears…of course my penis said the same thing yesterday but got way less press…Britney and Oprah together on one stage? Lets hope this happens.

Actually, Oprah wants to interview Britney in private -Barbara Walters style- instead of in front of her studio audience.

That way there will be less a chance of a rabid soccer mom shouting out something crazy like…“Hey you fucking pill-popping retard! Quit smoking around your kids and feeding them Mountain Dew!”

Besides, if Britney jumped up and down on the couch like Tom Cruise who knows what’ll fly out of there?!?!


Occupations that will NEVER be featured in a reality show.

1. Systems Analyst – Seriously, what does that even mean? 3 out of 5 system analysts don’t even know.

2. Roofer – There’s a reason why juvenile delinquents choose prison over a career in roofing…it sucks.

3. IKEA cashier -“After the break, will Ellen get the price right on the SKOLVOLDTSTADT or will she need to call her manager Todd?”

4. Cable Guy/Direct TV installer – The only excitement is the occasional thud of a high school dropout falling off a ladder in your yard.

5. Blogger – It is as lame as it sounds.


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