Thanks to the Great American Manic-Depression of 2008, millions of people have lost their jobs and many more are due to receive the shit-end of the stick in the short months to come.
Many of these hard-working citizens are the last ones who deserved to get screwed over like this, and that has caused more than a few amongst us to lose faith in karmic justice.
When will the assholes who caused this mess and the rest of the otherwise worthless in our society finally suffer for what they have done to us all? I don’t mean death squads dragging these douches through the streets, but I would like to see corporate downsizing principles applied to those who truly have it coming.
Its time for the REAL fat to be trimmed in our society!
So step in my office and watch as I lay the hammer of the working man on the…
TOP TEN PEOPLE WHO DESERVE TO BE LAID-OFF.
10. ALL TELEMARKETERS
Sorry guys, nobody is going to buy shit for a long while. Unless its a $99 sex robot, go ahead and take everybody off your list.
9. NFL REFEREES
You guys have screwed up more calls this year than ever before, and the mega pooch-screwing you did at the end of the Steelers-Chargers game cost gamblers in Vegas millions of dollars. Refs could easily be replaced by a handful of video technicians watching the replays in a van…or in INDIA for that matter!
Plus ya’ll are looking really old and we fear for your hips or watching you explode like a pinata when Ray Lewis catches you clean in the defensive backfield.
8. 75% of ALL CABLE NEWS HOSTS AND ANALYSTS
I’m stoked about Obama winning but you fuckers drug out the campaign for two long-ass years! Now that its over, I’d like you phonies to start covering ACTUAL news and not the political coozery that is the election season. In case you guys missed it there have been major earthquakes and fires around the world…oh yeah, and RUSSIA’S military is on the march again!
So from now on all I want to see on my cable news is To Catch a Predator and BREAKING NEWS!! And I mean REAL BREAKING NEWS, not a fucking rumor about speculation about a phone call bullshit!
7. HEIDI & SPENCER
Everytime I see a picture of these two I want to punch my daughter in the face just in case she thinks about growing up to be one of these turds.
The only thing I want to see of Heidi and Spencer is the inevitable porno they’ll release/have stolen…and as soon as I’m done masturbating, I’d like a Marine Sniper to make their heads disappear with one bullet.
Don’t get me wrong, I like her big googly fake titties as much as the next guy, I just think we could replace them with some cheaper, unknown talent that doesn’t make me want to puke…maybe a brunette.
6. 2 OF THE 3 IRON CHEFS
I mean the American version, not the original (and ONLY LEGITIMATE) Japanese version.
Its time for “Blue Corn” Bobby Flay and the bald ass fry cook contest winner idiot to hit the fucking road! And take that frosted fucktard Guy Fieri with you!!
5. THE NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE
The NASCAR of the NORTH. Lets give the teams back to Canada, nobody here gives a shit…except for Detroit and they’ve got a lot of other shit on their minds right now!
The whole league is Russian anyway and if I wanted to give a Russian my money, I’d buy a watch in Hollywood.
4. HUMMER SALESMEN
Go back to college Todd, there ain’t nothing right about Hummers anymore. And stop smoking cigars, you look like an idiot.
3. PEREZ HILTON
It was cute when you were a pimply fat queen typing away in a coffee shop…but now they’ve made you a celebrity too and it’s only a short matter of time before you do something stupid on YouTube. That’s how they get you bud, they lure you into their red-carpet, VIP room world and then someone just like you were 5 years ago tears you down to shreds.
2. JIM ROME
Until you and Jay Mohr get gay-married, you’re just not relevant anymore.
1. DICK CHENEY
I know you have 60-something days until you get replaced by Joe Biden, but I’d like you to go ahead and pack up and go. You’ve fucked the world up enough and we’d like you to go back to the undisclosed location from whence you came.
Don’t fret Dick, I hear Halliburton is hiring…as long as you don’t mind relocating to Dubai.
the human equivalent of the little fish that swims under the Great White Shark’s butthole
JOE THE PLUMBER
take this opportunity to become an ACTUAL licensed plumber
seriously, how have you kept that SURVIVOR job for so long?
Hugh Hefner’s Girlfriends
he beat me to it, cutting his sexual workforce down to a pair of 19 year old twins
TYRA BANKS & Mr. and Ms. JAY
we could easily replace that ANTM time slot with an extra replay of Sportscenter or a Wildest Police Chase show.